Why Abuse Victims Lie and Defend Their Abusers
Disclaimer: Because abuse is not isolated to only female or male victims, and applies to both, I have used the word “victim” in place of pronouns in this article. I don’t support calling oneself a victim, especially when on a healing journey.
Everybody has been talking about it. The Gabby Petito case has gained nationwide, and even worldwide, attention. Opinions are pouring in on social media, where some are empathetic, and others not so much. There are even men and women questioning if Brian was the abuse victim. This is due to a police statement which reports that Gabby admitted to being the aggressor during an incident in Utah. Her odd confession has drawn out the question: Was Gabby abusive? From my observation and personal experience, I believe that Gabby Petito lied to keep Brian from getting arrested. This is a common pattern in abuse victims.
For Starters- My Opinion on the Gabby Petito and Brian Laundrie Situation
According to a Fox 13 News report from 2022, some shocking evidence about one of the Utah officers from Gabby and Brian’s traffic stop came up. This officer was discovered to be an abuser. This fact aligns with the way that Gabby was dismissed and written off as overreactive and having anxiety. I saw that bodycam footage. She was clearly afraid and shaken up, disturbed, and frightened. She needed help and advocacy, not dismissal. Gabby also took photos that displayed visible bruising on her face, as well as subtly expressing, through social media posts, Brian’s negative views and words toward her.
There was and still is more than enough evidence to show that Gabby Petito was afraid and struggling to help herself or reach out for help. She was stuck in a cycle of abuse, and who knows; she could have even believed he could change. Abuse victims tend to think they can do something to change their abusive partner and situation or improve the relationship.
Why do Victims Lie, Defend, and Stay?
The Main Reason- Fear
Abuse victims are afraid, and no, it’s not enough that their abusers are temporarily locked up. A no contact or restraining order is only an order. There is no visible wall of protection nor entourage of security which comes along with it. The possibility of retaliation will instill enough fear in a victim to lie or stand up for their abuser. Sometimes, the abuser has flying monkeys (loyal friends who believe they can do no wrong). These people may act to retaliate on the abuser’s behalf or bully the victim relentlessly. There’s also the fact that domestic violence cases don’t carry life sentences with them, unless the unspeakable has happened. This gives the perpetrator a chance at retaliation upon release.
The fear an abuse victim carries comes from many places, including threats and past experiences with their abusive partner or others before them. It is possible that Brian has made serious or fatal threats to Gabby on many occasions, which may have also instilled some past trauma in her. She may have even experienced near-death experiences throughout their abuse cycles. Threats can come in many forms. Let’s digress from the Gabby and Brian situation and brush up on another manipulative way that often leaves victims feeling threatened or helpless.
When sharing children with an abusive person, the children are often used as collateral and more. Oftentimes, the abuser will threaten to take or harm the children. These children may also be victims of abuse in the household. A victim may choose to stay out of fear that the abuser will be granted the children due to reactive abuse. This type of abuse is when the perpetrator antagonizes the victim until they finally react. A lot of abusive people like to film and record these moments, to make the victim look crazy. This evidence is held onto and used as blackmail against the victim. The reactive behavior of a victim being recorded gives an abuser leverage to say that the victim is crazy, while having proof.
Another fear that a victim of abuse could have may sound silly, but it happens. Victims of abuse may stay with their perpetrator due to their fear of being alone. Is this so silly though? Most times, abusive people start with mental gymnastics and instilling hurtful thoughts into their victim’s head. This includes finding subtle or more overt ways to basically let the victim know that they will be alone forever without them because nobody else will want them. This tends to stick with the victim and create a dependence on the perpetrator and/or relationship.
Dependency
As I explained in the last paragraph, dependency can arise from a fear of being alone or abandoned. As well as carrying a negative self-image instilled by their abusive partner, they may have abandonment issues due to prior experience, such as a parent abandoning them. A death in the family, especially at a young age, can feel like abandonment, especially if no solace is given.
Oftentimes, abusers work to isolate their victim from finances. A victim of abuse may be financially dependent on their partner. This makes it hard for their victims to take off and never look back. Abusive people love to hide helpful items from their victims, such as phones, keys, and even clothing! Along with being isolated from money, victims of abuse are often isolated from their friends and family. Yes, these perpetrators start drama, stir up lies, and convince their victim that it is the friend or family member’s fault, and convincing them to cut said friend or family member off. This is usually done by the abuser telling their victim a fake (yes; made-up!) story about a friend or family member. They might say something like “your cousin tried to hit on me,” for example. This will ultimately stir up drama, while the abuser is in their victim’s ear, convincing them to believe their side. Trust me; they do it well!
Trauma bonds are another way of forming dependency. Abusive partners will go through cycles of hurting their partner and pretending to apologize, love, and heal their partner. This creates a complex within the victim which serves a belief that only their abusive partner can heal them. Ultimately, this kind of bond results in a huge dependency on said abusive partner.
My Experience
I am also an abuse victim and survivor. I received several forms of abuse from my children’s father, including emotional, mental, and physical. While physical abuse hurts, emotional and mental abuse take place as worst in my book. Mental scars are the hardest to heal and hide. I had many chances to run away and never turn back. At one point, I was even legally separated from my abuser by a no contact order, and I ended up going back when it was lifted! All the awful tactics that I’ve mentioned in this blog are the same abusive tactics he used on me. The father of my children even drove up to 100 miles per hour through a neighborhood, while threatening to crash and yelling at me. When the police pulled us over, I lied to keep him out of trouble and from retaliating against me.
I was simply afraid of and dependent on my abusive partner. I was truly convinced that he would use recordings of my reactions (reactive abuse) to show that I was crazy and win custody of the children if I left. For a long time, I truly believed that being a single mother was the worst-case scenario for me. When I finally woke up, I convinced my abusive partner that we needed to move in with my parents temporarily, to save money, and find a new place. It was perfect timing, as we were two months behind on rent and truly had no choice. As soon as we were all in a safe place and around my family, we evicted my abusive partner from the home.
In a Nutshell
Abuse is not linear, and everybody goes through it differently. Toxic people are capable of the worst manipulation tactics. Abuse victims, like Gabby Petito, are often too afraid of, and/or dependent on, their abusive partner. This fear and dependency make leaving their abusive partner very difficult. There is a big difference between making a confession and lying out of fear of retaliation. Reactive abuse is a real thing, and abuse victims often set up methods of black mail to keep hold of their victims. There is not enough advocacy for these situations, and there should be! Please, if you find yourself in an abusive situation, or are in one right now, do not hesitate to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline: (800) 799-7233. If you are not located in the United States, please keep record of your country’s resources for abuse victims.
Photos of Gabby Petito and Brian Laundrie are courtesy of facebook.com.
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