Subtle Signs and Red Flags that may Indicate You’re Dealing with a Covert Narcissist
According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, abuse is defined as a corrupt practice or custom, along with being defined as improper or excessive use or treatment. Abuse isn’t always physical. It can even be so subtle that you miss what is happening to you altogether, until it’s too late and the damage is done. Covert simply means hidden or not openly shown. This is why dealing with covert narcissists can feel worse than dealing with the obvious and overt narcissist. Sadly, I’ve dealt with more narcissists than I’d like to admit.
So, what is Narcissism and Covert Narcissism?
Narcissism, aka narcissistic personality disorder, is characterized by a person having at least five or more of the traits that make a person narcissistic. These traits include lack of empathy, lack of accountability, grandiosity, sense of entitlement, gaslighting and manipulative behavior, attention seeking, struggling to form deep connections, and more. As stated above, covert means hidden or not openly shown. Where there’s the more overt (obvious; not hidden) and open narcissist, there is also the covert narcissist, who will act more subtly and mask their true behavior and intentions. Narcissists envy you, while pretending to love you, and only aim to use and discard you. They feel entitled to do so.
Although they keep a more subtle and lowkey approach to their abuse, it can be just as damaging. These monsters aim to gain the exact same things from you as any other narcissist. They want to love-bomb, manipulate, gaslight, use, and discard you. Dealing with a covert narcissist can be tricky. The abuse may come off as playful. Their selfishness may be mistaken for clingy or needy. So, how do you know when you are dealing with one? Let’s dive into the signs and red flags of a covert narcissist.
Indirect Love-Bombing
While some covert narcissists may choose to love-bomb you directly, a lot of them will go for more subtle and less obvious ways of accomplishing this. If you have children or a close family member, the narcissist in your life may choose to love-bomb you through them. Instead of giving you grand gestures, promises, and gifts, they may choose to spoil your children instead, using them to get closer to you.
Why would they choose to use your family or children to love-bomb you? It’s simple; they may be less likely to see it as a red flag and more likely to tell you what a great person your new partner is. Hearing this from your children or close family will validate your choice to be with them. You may even feel like you have found “the one.” This is their goal; they want you to be attached as soon as possible.
Attaching the Relationship to Shows, Places, and/or Objects
It is perfectly normal to enjoy a series with your partner. However, a narcissist will ask you to watch a series with them, then ask you to only watch it with them. They may even restart the series with you later, and then again. This is another tactic they use to keep you attached. Narcissists are incapable of forming true bonds and connections. This is their way of attempting to attach and bond you to them.
This can also be done by them purchasing an expensive item for the both of you to jointly own. A narcissist will attempt to create ties with you through objects. Another way a narcissist will try to keep you attached is by bringing you to specific places or locations and deeming them “your place or spot” as a couple.
Seemingly Harmless Jokes or Put-Downs
A craft that covert narcissists have mastered is insult through what is made to look like a harmless joke. However, there is precision and strategy behind each line. They typically like to use a fact or quality about you that they know will bother you deep down, even if you don’t show it.
My narcissistic ex would do this in the form of joking about my age, as I was a bit older than him. He would also have fake crushes on television characters who resembled nothing about me. He would purposely talk about them often to get a rise out of me. At the time, I viewed it as harmless because his delivery was smooth and playful.
Faking a Crisis
Covert narcissists are all about admiration and attention. If you express disappointment in them, or call them out on a behavior, this could make them spiral into a fake emergency or crisis, such as a fake anxiety attack. The kicker is that some people are amazingly good at faking a crisis. Take my ex for example. He faked an entire anxiety attack and fainting spell on our anniversary. This was the result of me expressing mild disappointment in him crossing a boundary of mine.
Hoarding
Narcissists are infamous hoarders. There could be more than one reason for this phenomenon. Narcissists will try to fill the emotional void in their life with possessions. They may also want to appear or feel successful. To a narcissist, having a lot of possessions may make them feel more successful and better than their peers. Narcissists may even hoard pets as a way of avoiding their worst fear, which is being alone.
Choosing Which Boundaries to Respect
What I mean by this is that a covert narcissist will pretend to respect certain boundaries, while completely crossing others. It is easy for a covert narcissist to respect intimate and emotional boundaries. Narcissists do not like dealing with emotions and faking intimacy.
For example, a covert narcissist may respect your decision to take things slow, sexually, while completely disregarding and stepping over a boundary that they’ll gain from. This could happen in the form of them insisting that you allow them to move in with you or by insisting that you allow them to use your vehicle. Respect is not selective. A person with proper morals, values, and respect, will not simply choose which boundaries to respect. Good people are just that: good!
Inconsistent Hobbies or Plans
One week, your narcissistic partner might talk about buying a house or taking a trip with you, while the next week they’ve seemingly forgotten about every plan they’ve made with you. This ties into lack of follow-through. They want to pacify and control.
There will also be significant inconsistencies with their hobby choices or plans for their future. With my narcissistic ex, he would develop a new hobby every year, while completely cutting off a previous hobby which they’ve claimed to love. You may also see a pattern of inconsistency with business ideas or prospective jobs. There’s never any follow-though with these ideas as well.
Inconsistent or Unhealthy Relationships with Friends and Family
If the narcissist in your life is your partner, you may find that you are the main source of their supply. However, this person may also have a narcissistic parent. This isn’t always the case, but either way, take a close look at this person’s family. A person’s family and how they treat one another will greatly reflect how your relationship may go. You may also see toxic qualities within a narcissist’s siblings. This will tell you a lot about who you ae dealing with.
Narcissists will also have inconsistent and rocky relationships with their friends. Covert narcissists are not able to form true connections. They struggle with empathy and emotions. This doesn’t just extend to lovers. Narcissists don’t truly bond with their friends. You may even find your narcissistic partner coming home and speaking negatively about their friends. Most of the time, this is the narcissists’ projection of themselves. They love to tell untrue stories about their friends in the same way tell stories about you behind your back. Sometimes narcissists need to get things off their chest and release some guilt. However, because they are unable to hold themselves accountable, they do this by projecting their wrongdoing onto their friends and partners.
Lack of Help and Lack of Follow-through
Usually, in the beginning of a relationship with a covert narcissist, they will compliment you on how calm, laid back, or quiet you are. They will pretend to love this trait about you. Fast forward a month or two and watch how they’ll use that same compliment to gaslight you out of helping with house chores and other needs.
As soon as you dare to nag about the mess they’ve made and lack of help from them, they will tell you how they got with you because of how laid back you were. This is a manipulation tactic to make you question yourself and if you are nagging. This is their way of deflecting responsibility and getting out of it. A covert narcissist may even start to get upset or raise their voice as a way of remaining in control.
Narcissists love making promises they don’t intend to keep. This is simply another way of pacifying you and keeping control over you. This person will create a cycle of empty and unfulfilled promises. When confronted, you will most likely be met with more gaslighting or rage. They may resort to a favored line, like telling you how they miss the laid-back person they first got with, claiming that you’ve changed. Again, this is just more manipulation to keep control and deflect the situation onto you.
Entitlement
Yes, even with covert narcissism, the entitlement becomes obvious. The spectrum of entitlement is so broad that it can reveal itself in many forms. Your narcissistic family or partner may feel entitled to a personal or financial gain that you’ve worked for. Some covert narcissists will create their own mess or misfortune, then expect you or others to fix their self-made problem. A covertly narcissistic partner may even bring or invite family members to your home without asking you first. And yes, if you dare call them out, they are likely to accuse you of dislike or hating said friend or family.
Empty Apologies and Lacking Accountability
Your covertly narcissistic loved one will almost always deflect and avoid accountability. I say “almost always” because with a covert (and even with overt) narcissists, you will receive the occasional empty apology. Most narcissists know when to agree or apologize to get their way or gain back control. However, lacking accountability is also a huge trait in narcissists. They will avoid any situation which forces them to look inward and reflect on their behavior and decisions.
To escape accountability, a covert narcissist will tend to deflect attention and turn it toward you. They may start to point out and highlight qualities that they deem bad about you. This will often lead them to talk in circles or end up in a word salad that throws you off. Their goal is to confuse and frustrate you, so that you’ll give up and drop the subject. A narcissist cannot self-reflect without years of willing therapy. It’s just not wired into them.
Victim Mentality and Self-harm (TRIGGER WARNING – self harm)
Does your partner or friend always manage to turn a beautiful day or experience into a reason to complain? Do you find yourself constantly catering to “poor me” stories? Not everyone with a victim mentality is a narcissist, but most covert narcissists carry a victim mentality.
Not only will they find reasons to dig for sympathy, but they will even use a friend or family member’s tragedy to gain attention and sympathy. Another real-life example of this is when my ex used his dad’s failing living situation to gain pity and sympathy toward him. Instead of helping his dad fix the situation, he simply used it to feed his victim-like mentality and need for attention.
When gaining sympathy through this mentality fails, a covert narcissist may even turn toward more extreme measures for sympathy and attention. Yes, I am talking about self-harm. This usually won’t always be life-threatening, but rather a planned out move. However, this action could lead to serious or injury, or worse. These incidents will often be passed on as an accident. After purposely harming themselves, they will align a perfectly crafted story that matches the outcome while keeping them in an innocent spotlight.
How You and Your Body Respond
While everyone is unique, and while everyone recognizes things at their own pace, covert narcissism could go undetected for quite a while if you’re not knowledgeable or vigilant enough. However, even if the narcissist in your life puts on a good show and wears a great mask, your body may give you signs that this person is not good for you.
Signs to look out for may include feeling confused about where you always stand with them, increased anxiety, acne breakouts, weight fluctuation, mental health changes, questioning your own mental health, and more. Listen to your body! My first sign that something wasn’t right was quite the experience. I remember calling him “babe” and instantly not feeling right about it. My intuition turned out to be spot on.
In a Nutshell
Whether overtly or covertly, narcissism is narcissism, and every narcissist can carry these traits. In a way, covert and subtle narcissism can be worse than the blatantly overt. Dangerous people hide well under their masks. In any case, stay vigilant, know the subtle signs and take caution. If you still aren’t sure whether you’re dealing with a narcissist or not, test them by simply setting clear boundaries and standing on them. If a boundary is crossed, leave them where they crossed it. There’s no need to dive into anything head on. Anybody who is worth it will respect your space, pace, and boundaries. AND PLEASE, if you are here because you are in trouble, call the NATIONAL ABUSE HOTLINE: 800-799-7233. If you don’t live in the US. Be sure to look up your country’s resources for abuse and keep the information hidden in a safe place.
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